As I woke up this morning in the darkness I thought, that is what the winter this year has been for me... darkness. With Jake's deployment, holidays that were anything but joyful, my son getting into trouble, and an acute sense of loneliness. It seems that the light of spring will never come.
And even as I type this, I know it will. School is starting, the troubles with my son will eventually smooth out. Faire season is coming which means weekends will be surrounded by friends. The mornings will even get lighter with the earlier sunrise of spring.
So I wait and try to hold on to the small joys of life until the darkness fades. Like my 4 year old's smile and my beautiful dog, finding a Dr. Seuss book I have not seen since I was a kid and thought was out of print, reading that book to my kids. Appreciating a sense of humor amidst all the hell we are going through. All of these things and more I will hold on to until I see the sunlight of spring.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
The Waiting Place
"You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads
at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place... for people just waiting." Dr. Seuss
This is the place I am in right now. Waiting for people to call me back, waiting for appointments, waiting to see what school my son will go to, waiting to run again, waiting for my school to start, waiting for some normalcy in life again, waiting for my husband's deployment to be over.
The book "Oh the Places You'll Go" does not stay in the waiting place though.
"NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing." Dr. Seuss
Yes I will escape this endless waiting soon and I cannot wait till I do! Hopefully I am becoming a stronger person and my son is learning some important lessons in the process.
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads
at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place... for people just waiting." Dr. Seuss
This is the place I am in right now. Waiting for people to call me back, waiting for appointments, waiting to see what school my son will go to, waiting to run again, waiting for my school to start, waiting for some normalcy in life again, waiting for my husband's deployment to be over.
The book "Oh the Places You'll Go" does not stay in the waiting place though.
"NO!
That's not for you!
Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing." Dr. Seuss
Yes I will escape this endless waiting soon and I cannot wait till I do! Hopefully I am becoming a stronger person and my son is learning some important lessons in the process.
Monday, January 22, 2007
What does not kill you...
only makes you stronger!
At least that is what I am hoping. All the sudden my life is about probation officers and court dates. My son got arrested and my husband is deployed. Parenting is harder than I ever thought it would be and I am reeling trying to make sense of all this and figure out what to do.
At the same time that I am figuring all this out, I need to figure out how to destress. Running has not been an option because when they put your kid on house arrest, it is really putting the parent on house arrest too. I think I may try some meditation/yoga because I can do that at home. I used to think that when a kid got in trouble, "where are his parents?" Now I am learning that you can love your kids more than anything, provide a loving stable environment, and they can still get in trouble. I am not sure why this is affecting me so much, maybe because he is my first and I feel a special connection to him even though I don't think he does to me.
I am praying and praying and praying hoping to see a light at the end of this tunnel. I just want life to be normal again!!!
That is all for now, sorry for the downer,
Robin
At least that is what I am hoping. All the sudden my life is about probation officers and court dates. My son got arrested and my husband is deployed. Parenting is harder than I ever thought it would be and I am reeling trying to make sense of all this and figure out what to do.
At the same time that I am figuring all this out, I need to figure out how to destress. Running has not been an option because when they put your kid on house arrest, it is really putting the parent on house arrest too. I think I may try some meditation/yoga because I can do that at home. I used to think that when a kid got in trouble, "where are his parents?" Now I am learning that you can love your kids more than anything, provide a loving stable environment, and they can still get in trouble. I am not sure why this is affecting me so much, maybe because he is my first and I feel a special connection to him even though I don't think he does to me.
I am praying and praying and praying hoping to see a light at the end of this tunnel. I just want life to be normal again!!!
That is all for now, sorry for the downer,
Robin
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
I'm Not Okay
Well I was on the treadmill today doing 3 miles. Well my power song on my ipod came on and it is the song "I'm Not Okay" by My Chemical Romance. Well most of the time this song gets me totally pumped and I cannot help but to run faster. Today was a bit different. I still went faster, 5.0 speed which is 12 min per mile but this time I thought of my 14 year old that has been giving me a real run for my money lately.
The words go, "I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, you wear me out" Other words too that I cannot recall but I started crying. So here I am on a treadmill, moving my uncoordinated self at a pace that is super fast for me and crying. I thought about the absurditiy of it all and started laughing. So I am running fast (for me), on a treadmill, crying and laughing!!! What am I trying to do kill myself?? Anyhoo, it really was a great release for me. I am struggling so much with things in my life right now with Jake gone and it felt good to yell, "I'm not ok", pushing my body to it's max, and realizing that sometimes not being ok, is OK.
That's it for now,
Robin
The words go, "I'm not okay, I'm not okay, I'm not okay, you wear me out" Other words too that I cannot recall but I started crying. So here I am on a treadmill, moving my uncoordinated self at a pace that is super fast for me and crying. I thought about the absurditiy of it all and started laughing. So I am running fast (for me), on a treadmill, crying and laughing!!! What am I trying to do kill myself?? Anyhoo, it really was a great release for me. I am struggling so much with things in my life right now with Jake gone and it felt good to yell, "I'm not ok", pushing my body to it's max, and realizing that sometimes not being ok, is OK.
That's it for now,
Robin
Monday, January 15, 2007
Inspiration
Ok having just read a friend's first marathon race report on Runner's World I am inspired to start writing down this experience of running and life in general. My goals are not as huge as a marathon at this point, a 10k will suffice for now :)
I started running in Sept. 04 but consistancy has been an issue for me. It seems though if I have a race in my sight, I am much better at getting out on the roads to actually run. This being January of a new year, it is the perfect time for new goals and new challenges.
My husband is deployed with the Army right now and I am here at home with 3 boys that present several challenges along with joys. I do believe that a regular running schedule will help me with many of the stresses that occur pretty regularly these days.
I have a schedule on my calendar for the 10k training. Basically running 4 days per week going 1/2 further every week till I am up to 8 miles by May. Having sciatica forces me to build slowly as to not aggravate it.
I am also a student majoring in Communicative Disorders. I love school! Good thing too since I have so much of it left!
Anyhoo, that is about it for now.
See ya on the flip side,
Robin
I started running in Sept. 04 but consistancy has been an issue for me. It seems though if I have a race in my sight, I am much better at getting out on the roads to actually run. This being January of a new year, it is the perfect time for new goals and new challenges.
My husband is deployed with the Army right now and I am here at home with 3 boys that present several challenges along with joys. I do believe that a regular running schedule will help me with many of the stresses that occur pretty regularly these days.
I have a schedule on my calendar for the 10k training. Basically running 4 days per week going 1/2 further every week till I am up to 8 miles by May. Having sciatica forces me to build slowly as to not aggravate it.
I am also a student majoring in Communicative Disorders. I love school! Good thing too since I have so much of it left!
Anyhoo, that is about it for now.
See ya on the flip side,
Robin
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